I came across a great comment today and hope that my readers can learn some great things from it, because if I got more comments like this it would truly warm my soul. First I will share the comment and then break down all the great elements of it that you, my lazy commenters, can consider the next time you think about posting some half-assed lame comment on my blog again.

The Comment:

edwahzj_one (@edwahzj_one) says:

Brother you are going astray from the reason I commented. You were talking about hymms and edifying. You can edify anyone if you stoked their flesh. You can edify anyone with poems and fluffy rhymes prayer.

If anyone is not in Christ and prays for truth God will teach them as I have shared with you and if anyone IS in Christ they should already know the WAY LIFE OF THE TRUTH.

Read your posted hymn and consider it with the knowledge of the truth I shared and see if it is a prayer of ignorance as one without Christ seeking ; from one who is in Christ and should already know the WAY AND LIFE OF THE TRUTH.

This will be my last comment on this subject. You can have it your way and I pray the LORD reveal even this of which I shared, THIS IS NOT MY OPINION IT IS OF THE SPIRIT OF THE LORD. Your answered so quickly you didn’t seem to bother reading and looking up the verses of scripture I listed. I’m not trying to run some vain race of wisdom with you, I am a prophet of the LORD, and don’t give out opinions

I’ll give you a minute to let that one sink in.

…

Ok, so here’s the deal. The comment was actually in a string of comments in which the blog owner was foolish enough to question the wisdom of this Prophet of God. That’s the way it always goes. God’s prophets are always getting mad hate from the haters out there. Let’s break this down to the raw materials of an amazing comment:

1) Have an awesome name.

Ex: edwahzj_one

A few key elements to an awesome name: something difficult to pronounce (edwahzi, which sounds kinda like the name of a child spawned from a Jew and an alien), strings of consonants without vowels (hzj), uncommon letters (particularly z and j here, but q and x are also good), some kind of character that is not a letter (here we see the _ but I also like ~ and %), and lastly some subtle way to demonstrate that you are awesome (this dude uses “one” but “the_great” and “top_dog” also work fine)

2) Address your audience in a friendly yet demeaning way.

Ex: Brother

This says “hey we’re in the same family, but I think you’re a jackass.” I mean that is what I think of my brother. Unless this guy is Hulk Hogan his use of “brother” is a very clever way of making his opponent feel connected, yet below him. Nicely done edwenzian_one! You can also use something like “bless your heart” or “I’m glad we can discuss this without it getting ugly.”

3) Confuse your reader with maybe a sexual reference or maybe an arson reference.

Ex: stoked their flesh

So, was excellent_one saying that his opponent was going to pour gas on his readers and then flick a lit cigarette at them? Maybe, or maybe he left out an r and meant to write “stroked” in which case you can figure out the implications. Either way, good confusion technique and terrible imagery either way. keep the reader on the defensive. Stay near water to avoid getting their flesh burned off, but don’t drop the soap either!

4) caps, caps and more caps!

Ex: WAY LIFE OF THE TRUTH

Exorcism_Fun is good with his caps, he uses them to highlight all his main points. You want to get a point across? Please capitalize the shit out of it! How else do I know that you are serious? How else will I know you are so serious that you are screaming it at me in type? When I see something in all caps I never skip past it, I think “this is gonna be gold!” Use caps, brother!

5) Repeat phrases, sorta…

Ex: WAY LIFE OF THE TRUTH (and later…) WAY AND LIFE OF THE TRUTH.

Excaliber_Run knows that if you want people to get a point you can’t just capitalize it, you have to repeat it, but with different words so they don’t know you are doing it. Sorta like the reader is getting brainwashed by your awesomeness, and by sorta I mean that is exactly what you are doing. Brainwashing 101: repeat stuff with different words. All of a sudden I feel the need to Way and Life some The Truths.

6) Shut it down!

Ex: This will be my last comment on this subject

Exitqxy_alpha knows when to walk away: after he has kicked his opponents ass, that’s when! Don’t let your opponent disagree with you. End the conversation. They may want to shoot some snide useless retort your way, but they definitely won’t if they know you won’t be replying again. So tell them you won’t be replying. This is also known as going out on a high note. “I just killed your argument, peace out bitches!”

7) Show some credentials.

Ex: I am a prophet of the LORD, and don’t give out opinions

How do you argue with existenialism_buns on that one? Well maybe you could argue with him if he were a mere man giving out opinions like the rest of us, but he is no such thing! He is the prophet of God, sent to the blogosphere to let everyone know what God thinks of their shitty blogs (god thinks they’re shitty, fyi). If you have to say you are a doctor or lawyer or something that is ok, but saying that God told you to throw this stuff down is a surefire way to win any discussion.

8) Show a little pity on the poor sap dumb enough to argue with you.

Ex: I pray the LORD reveal even this of which I shared

You know, guys, excellent_guns was kind enough to share his, sorry, God’s wisdom with us, and we spit it right back in his face. But you know what? He has no hard feelings. He just feels sad for you and hopes God will open your blind eyes. Better than Jonah I guess. He just wanted the people to go on ignoring God and for God to burn those bastards and their whoring city to the ground. Show some compassion, don’t be a dick like Jonah, let your opponents know that you care that they hear God.

Everyone please consider these things the next time you comment. If my future commenters don’t throw out some fiery double entendres while prophesying GOD’S WORD to me and taking pity on my lack of faith, I’m gonna be pissed, and I’m gonna start calling you all out.

That is all. Sincerely,

God’s Own Mouthpiece – AssKicker_asdqz_awesomeness (aka Dan)